Top Gear (Auto Reply Message)

I’ve been messing around with Top Gear for as long as I can remember. Now, the Top Gear Audition process seems to have lasted almost as long. To make the wait more bearable, I have been emailing the BBC. The responses have ranged from the standard ‘Auto Reply Message’ to… the standard ‘Auto Reply Message’. Here’s my descent into irreverence.

My reasons behind applying can be found here but I’ll be updating this post as I send other emails, unless the authorities or Chris Evans put a stop to it.

28th June 2015

Hello Top Gear

This time last week, I was broadcasting on BBC 5 Live from a balcony outside a restaurant in Poland. I'd been asked to appear on the 5 Live Hotlist with Emma Barnett as 'Top Gear Auditions' was one of the top 40 news items of the week and I'd Tweeted my intent to apply.

I had no notes or a timer and the traffic providing the background noise should have been atmospheric. It wasn’t. So here I am with the real thing.

Chris is an extraordinary ambassador for the petrol head, with a unique broadcasting opportunity to not only tell us what it's like to salivate over some of the most exotic automotive metalwork in the world but also to own it.

Knowing that Top Gear faces the unprecedented challenge of reinventing itself, but also the tough questions about just how much to keep of a hugely successful format, I believe (as a viewer) I'd like someone on the show that experiences the entire car business through the starry eyes of a child, with a track record in design and technology for the automotive industry plus some usefully entertaining presentation experience. That's me. I’d watch.

Many thanks

Dean

17th July 2015

Hello again Top Gear

Although I received an acknowledgement of receipt when I sent my Top Gear Audition email last month, as it was only a response to the email rather than the entry… I wanted to double-check I’m in.

By ‘in’, I don’t mean ‘in the show’, just ‘in the massive heap of applicants’.

I’m worried that perhaps I haven’t stood next to enough Top Gear/motoring celebrities and posted the photos on Twitter. I haven’t sought the backing of my local Tupperware party planner, Dacia dealer or an uncle that once owned a replica MG Montego with a door dink from a car park incident with Chris Evans.

This is enough to lose sleep over. Not so much that it’s of medical concern so I won’t be suing the BBC. I know you’re under pressure to account for every penny now the government is looking into EVERYTHING. Have you thought about offering the Top Gear job to an MP? Two birds with one stone and all that.

No, wait. I’m not an MP. Forget that.

Anyway, I’m not expecting a response to this as you’ve probably lost the will to live since this audition process/email started.

Thanks.

Dean

28th July 2015

At the risk of Top Gear Audition email overkill, I’m back again. I’ll keep it brief. Honest.

I thought I’d send one last link to an article I’ve written about my pain, suffering and monumental (emphasis on mental) levels of commitment to the Top Gear Auditions. At the very least, it adds some useful depth to my audition video http://bit.ly/1Lx5lXC

I also spent time in a tent in Chris’ garden last week. I’m expecting the restraining order to come through any day now.

Thanks as always, for the fun one-sided conversation.

Dean

6th August 2015

Hello again. Again

I haven’t received one of your Auto Reply Messages for a while and was missing your dulcet digital tones.

Don’t worry, I won’t keep you. If you’ve read any of my previous emails (and I won’t blame you if you haven’t, but I may stand outside your window throwing gravel to attract your attention) this one also relates to my entry for the Top Gear Auditions.

I feel there should be a fanfare each time ‘Top Gear Auditions’ is read so please feel free to make the noise in your own heads, or out loud if you’re feeling really lively or just excited about the weekend.

Anyway, just checking what happens next? No, not the bit where you delete my email but in the audition process. Is there a ‘next bit’? Let me know, just for old time’s sake as we’ve had such riveting email conversations so far.

Oh, and if you can be bothered, I wrote this about the process and why you'd all be mental not to chose me. By ‘mental’ I’m obviously not ridiculing anyone with an actual psychological disorder, just slightly disturbed. In a good way. I’ll get my coat*

*straight jacket.

Here it is (my article, not my coat) bit.ly/1Lx5lXC 

Thanks again. Looking forward to my Auto Reply Message already (smiley face)

Dean

10th August 2015

Hey you, hope you had a great car-filled/fuelled weekend! Smiley face, winky face, petrolhead face.

As another Monday arrives on the quest to find the Top Gear presenter line up, I just thought I'd continue our conversation. I know that technically we both need to be speaking for it to be a conversation, but let’s work on the premise that you nod sagely at the relevant points in the narrative.

I’ve noticed that some of the presenter hopefuls have stopped shouting into the empty void know as Twitter in the past week. From people that stand next to cars, stand next to drivers, haven’t got a license or need a restraining order, they’ve all calmed down. I appreciate I may fall into the last category by now. Can you get an email restraining order? Probably.

Have they had some news? Have they been told to “go play with the traffic”? Have you employed them all?

As the original application was a little light on detail (to say the least), merely asking for us to email a very basic 30 sec video seems a little one-sided. I’d love to plan ahead – for better or worse – but I’m still not even sure my video went into the system, let alone received a 30 second viewing. I had the standard Auto Reply Message (and believe me, I look forward to receiving one each time we speak, like a puppy with its nose pressed against the window, waiting for its master to return from the pub), but I’m not sure if the attachment was viewable by the time it reached you.

Anyway, as much fun as the whole process is, it would be great to hear something. Anything. Even if it’s just to say when we might hear something meaningful.

Oh, and I’d still like the job please.

Happy to perform with children and animals if required.

I’m not a big fan of children, unless they’re my own.

I don’t really like animals either.

Thanks for the chat.

Dean

12th August 2015

Hello Top Gear you sexy beast.

No, I’m not drunk (this time), it’s just nice to shake things up a bit in our special relationship. We don’t want things getting stale, or repetitious, or repetitious.

I thought you might be interested to know I was testing the nuts off an AMG GTS and a C63 S at the weekend, snapping knicker elastic at 50 paces and making a go cart out of old washing machines and banana crates. To be honest, I was only playing with the cars, but I could just as easily have been abusing knickers and white goods and, boooom… that’s Top Gear right there.

Old Top Gear anyway. The new one has less underwear and more ginger hair. And me? We may have slipped into a classic scene from Working Girl now so I’ll leave it here.

One final thing, I’ll be at Chris’s pub (again) tomorrow night because the live music and company is superb. You should go, it’s brilliant. I was there a few weeks ago (the only Top Gear Auditions candidate who made the effort) and even spent time in a tent in Chris’s garden. He knew about this. I wasn’t stalking. Honest.

If I’d simply applied for the job but not made the effort above and beyond, then still not made it to the end, I’d always wonder if I could have done more.

It’s not stalking, it’s research. That’s probably what a stalker would say isn’t it.

The first rule of Stalk Club is: You do not talk about Stalk Club.

Oh…

Worst stalker ever.

Speak soon. Missing you already!

Dean

14th August 2015

It’s that time again! No, not 3:21pm on a Friday, well it is but that’s not what I mean. I mean it’s Dean’s email time again!

Just a quick one as I know you’re busy. It must take ages to personally type all those ‘Auto Reply Message’ emails so I won’t keep you.

I thought I’d better let you know that I’ve blocked out most of my weekend to sit staring at my computer (or the really small computer in my pocket) so I don’t miss your ‘You’re the new Top Gear Presenter’ message when it arrives. I’m sure you’ll need me to turn up at Dunsfold some time on Sunday with my big book of car facts, a cardboard cut out of Chris and my rubber pants.

Don’t worry, I’ll be there.

Actually, worry.

See you Sunday!

Dean

16th August 2015

OK, It’s Sunday and I’m here, waiting outside the gates to the Top Gear Test track as agreed*

*Definition of ‘agreed’ may not stand up in a court of law.

Hopefully you’ll respond to this email pretty quickly and come on over to security as Barry won’t let me in. Actually it might be Larry (I’m not good with names) or Mary, but if it’s Mary then she’s got a disturbingly hairy face for a woman.

As mentioned, I have my big book of car facts with me. Also, the cardboard cutout of Chris is in my passenger seat so the speed camera photo snapped on the way here will be fun. I’m also wearing the rubber pants, but on the outside of my trousers. This may be contributing to the reason Barry/Larry/Mary won’t let me in.

When I bumped into Chris (the real one, not the cardboard version) on Friday night, he didn’t mention when I’d be starting filming for the show. A mere oversight I’m sure so looking forward to today’s production meeting to confirm this.

In case this email has dropped into junk, I’ll give you another 10 mins to reply then I’ll start shouting really loudly over the fence. Not sure how Barry/Larry/Mary will take that, but we’ll play it by ear.

See you soon!

Dean

18th August 2015

Dear Top Gear

I have to say, I’m not impressed with the time it took to let me into the studio on Sunday. I shouted myself hoarse before anyone turned up to convince Barry/Larry/Mary to open the gate.

I’m not proud, but I was so hungry by the time a Producer came to the security booth I took a swing at him. Don’t worry though, all’s well that ends well as I missed and caught Barry/Larry/Mary square in the kisser. It tuns out your security guard is a Mary after all, and quite likes the rough stuff. Each to their own.

Now, I’m not sure how this affects my chances in the Top Gear Auditions. This all started such a long time ago, I can’t remember if one of the criteria was for applicants to demonstrate unarmed combat with hirsute women.

Please let me know if this incident has had an adverse effect on my fast-tracked route to the final selection as I believe this kind of behaviour is looked upon favourably over at Amazon, where there may still be an opening.

Your special friend

Dean

20th August 2015

Hello TG

I started talking to my car radio this morning. I’m sure this is perfectly normal behaviour as everyone does it. Everyone.

Chris was on his Radio 2 Breakfast Show and I threw in a few witty comments, remarks about the weather and interesting facts about cars in the gaps when Mr E took a breath.

I’m not sure if this is the correct channel to complain, but Chris didn’t respond with a Top Gear (Auto Reply Message). This just isn’t on. You lot have always made time to personally type each Auto Reply Message and I really appreciate this. It’s the very reason for our conversations and I look forward to the next one.

When I’m Director General, I shall remind Chris of this oversight. That doesn’t mean I’ve given up on the Top Gear Presenter role, I’m just planning ahead as there comes a time when we all need to step down from the BBC’s flagship motoring programme.

Oh, and in a rather meta development, I’m publishing our delightful email exchanges on my blog ( bit.ly/1HQ2ZgC ) so we can both keep track of the audition process.

Mary the security guard (or Scary Hairy Mary as she prefers) sends her best. Although, to be honest, I’m not sure Mary’s best is the award-winning standard we’ll be looking for on Top Gear. Unless success is measured in facial hair, then we’re onto a winner!

Your faithful email companion.

DJ

26th August 2015

Hello you, did you miss me?

By ‘miss me’, I’m obviously referring to the time you threw that computer keyboard out of your window at New Broadcasting House because I was standing outside. Just staring. Dark piercing eyes, looking into your very soul. Reaching down deep inside, trying to extract the very essence of a meaningful Auto Reply Message.

I can understand why you threw the keyboard.

Anyhoo, I wanted to ask where I should send the receipts I’ve been collecting for my ‘location expenses’. I was at the Donington Park Formula E test session yesterday, will be researching augmented reality and virtual reality for the automotive Industry in California and Utah in a couple weeks, then at the Frankfurt Motor Show after that. I’m sure all your other Top Gear Auditions applicants will be putting in the same level of effort. And receipts?

Actually, as the above is all part of my job (changing the face of automotive and all that), I’m guessing I’ll be picking up the tab for now. When you decide it could all have been used on the next series of Top Gear, let me know and I’ll put in a BBC claim instead.

Oh, and regarding the ‘stalking’. I’m outside your window again, in the wet and windy Broadcasting House concourse with the Dirty Dozen. Chris will know what this is (it’s not a new reality TV show about hookers - although it could be if the Top Gear thing doesn’t work out?)

Until next we Auto Reply Message together.

Dean

30th August 2015

Hi TG

Following questions from a few confused friends/followers/stalkers I just wanted to confirm the language I should be using when asked the question “So come on, are you the new Top Gear presenter?”

To date I’ve tried:

“You’ll have to wait for Chris to confirm that”

“Yes”

“A million percent yes” (in a Simon Cowell voice)

“Yes yes yes yes” (in a Meg Ryan voice)

“No”

“There’s a live selection process to be screened on primetime BBC1" (that’s a small ‘p’, not Amazon Prime. Obviously)

“I just have the final test to complete – naked mud-wrestling”

“Stop touching me, no means no. Yes"

“The dog ate my homework”

Please delete as applicable from the list above and return via an Auto reply Message.

Many thanks

Dean

2nd September 2015

Hey TG!

It’s hard to believe we've reached September already! How time flies when you’re having such a stimulating conversation, full of human interaction and nail-biting status updates.

It’s been an emotional journey (cue Elbow or Cold Play with shaky visuals of Simon Cowell staggering aimlessly to a golf cart backstage) since we reached the July 20th submission deadline.

July 20th.

Let’s just let that sink in.

July.

20th.

That’s 45 days.

Forty Five.

Forty.

Five.

One can only assume you’ve had at least 44 other 30 second videos to watch before reaching mine.

I’m also working on the assumption you’ve watched each one 2,400 times a day (basing this on my 20 hour working day).

I have my special anticipation face on and am looking forward to the Top Gear marching band tomorrow, with a written confirmation of my acceptance, hand delivered by Pamela Anderson on an elephant. I guess Pam has already received her email about the co-hosting job. If not, it’ll be a big surprise for her!

I’ll email next week with some suggestions for the new show. And my favourite sandwiches. And a photo of a boiled sweet covered with pocket fluff.

I’ve been working hard. You’ll love it.

Thanks!

Dean

6th September 2015

Hi TG

Naturally, I’m gutted. Pam called round on Thursday to deliver my ‘Congratulations, you’re on the show’ message. I was out!

The neighbours told me Pam made quite an impression in her bikini – especially as it was raining and the bin men were trying to squeeze past her elephant.

Unfortunately. it seems the elephant made an even bigger impression. It was a great idea (and much appreciated) but I’m not sure who’s legally responsible for the damage caused to the parked cars, an ice-cream van and my neighbour’s dog. Was your elephant fully comp?

Anyhoo, I promised some ideas for the show so I thought I’d send you the first couple…

- Stig of the Dump: The Reboot: The Stig has fallen on hard times (he didn’t get a cut of the Amazon money) so he’s now living in a council landfill near Croydon and bringing his track skills to the dump, whilst fending off seagulls, former News of the World reporters and used nappies.

- Car in a reasonably priced Star: Taking the original concept and turning it on its head, we challenge celebrities to hold model cars between their teeth whilst singing popular Ed Sheeran songs. We’ll corner the X Factor and Channel 5 eating disorder markets right there!

Right, I’m off to catch a plane. More BAFTA award-winning ideas to come.

DJ

13th September 2015

Dear Top Gear, I resign…

…from Top Gear.

After all the highs and lows, conviction (not criminal) and comedy, waiting 56 days for any communication from you lot proves one point: you don’t give a crap.

I’m not speaking as a disgruntled job applicant annoyed by a ‘you will only be contacted if you have been successful’ line it’s just that from the outset this process has been poorly organised and even more poorly supported. Nothing via email or any social networks. 

I have kept a one-sided conversation going for weeks, interviewed myself and camped in Chris Evans’ garden. Short of sleeping with The Stig, I’ve done just about everything I could have and I’m done.

If anyone's still in the race for a Top Gear presenter, good luck to them but I’m not prepared to devote any more time and energy to something that just makes me look desperate. And to be honest, I’m not keen to watch a show fronted by anyone that looks like their life depends on it. I’d love a team that’s enthusiastic about all aspects of motoring, yet appears fallible, has personality in spades and something interesting to say.

I’ve spent the last week working with companies across the world and we’ll shape the global future of the connected car, virtual reality entertainment and publishing. Forgive me if I’m wrong but you haven’t given me a reason to hang on your every word with a better offer.

Like I said, I’d love you to prove me wrong but it seems you don’t give a crap.

Thanks for all the Auto Reply Messages.

Dean

4th October 2015

The story's not quite over. Inspired by the launch of 'More Letters of Note' this week, I decided to read my Top Gear 'Emails of Note'. Here's the result...

Top Gear Head to Head

Right, you’ve got 30 seconds they said. You want to be a Top Gear presenter? Give it everything they said. Here you go, have a video. But it’s not enough I said. 43 years of preparation should be enough. It turns out it isn’t.

Anyone that knows me, or reads this blog regularly, knows I don’t do things by halves. I’ve co-presented with Apptain America (and even died at the point of his light saber in front of a live audience), had 4-way conversations with a bunch of mobile devices and recently revealed virtual reality Star Wars, inadvertently creating Vader porn.

Given 30 seconds to explain why I was the best man for the Top Gear job, there were undoubtedly some questions left unanswered so who better to ask them than… me.

So, straight to the point… do you think you can do better?

It’s not about doing a better job. If that’s your starting point then you’ve lost the audience already. On the other hand, this isn’t about keeping Jeremy, Captain Slow and the Hamster alive so I hope Chris and his production team aren’t just looking for impersonators and ‘natural successors’.

If you’re not the same, what are you?

Obviously, I’m a car nut – that’s a prerequisite. I’m also a presenter, so I guess that helps. I can talk passionately about this stuff, but not just about the fact it exists. I’ve spent years immersed in the automotive industry, working from the inside but loving it from the outside. My creative and technology backgrounds also mean I can talk with some degree of knowledge about why something looks like it does and where it’ll be in the future. What I’m NOT is a racing driver (although I’ll drive anything) or an engineer (so if it breaks down I can probably find the dipstick. Probably). I also haven’t had my photo taken next to any drivers or TV motor show presenters, so that probably counts me out already, although I once painted Tiff Needell’s portrait and Jeremy parked in a disabled space outside my house in Chipping Norton.

Why do you want this? Don’t you like your job?

I already have one of the best jobs in the world. The things we do at Brandwidth help change the shape of the automotive world. Giant holographic cars, showroom interaction and the Porsche Apple Watch app have all been industry ‘firsts’ for us.

This isn’t about running from something, it has everything to do with driving towards an extraordinary start line. This may never happen, in fact it probably won’t, but you’ll never know if you never try. Regret is an awful thing that burns far more energy than rising to a challenge.

Classic cars, what have you got against them?

It’s not that I don’t like ‘classics’ it’s just that my take on them covers the time most relevant to me - ie 1971 onwards. I’ve loved cars from the time I was able to ride in them (not drive them). I have an appreciation of the earlier cars but I really love where the industry is going so don't spend too much time looking back.

It’s the dream garage question. What’s your top three?

I wrote about the ones that got away a few years ago, listing cars such as the Plymouth Prowler, Fiat Coupé, TVR Sagaris and Renault Avantime. I’d still love them all in my garage but given the choice of three today I’d have a different short list.

First up would be my practical ‘family car’, an Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio despite the fact it’s not available yet and I’d have trouble ordering one as I can’t pronounce it. I’m not sure I could own a car with a name like the sound made when driving over a cattle grid, but I'd give it a go.

The BMW i8 would have to be in my garage. I was fortunate enough to drive one around Vegas earlier this year and it ticks ALL the boxes for me. It’s a genuine supercar – the dimensions, performance and price all say so. It’s a technological tour de force, combining a clever hybrid engine, build and aerodynamics. The i8 is also a visual masterpiece, delivering head-turning drama with every surface, inside and out. It really is a concept car for the road.

I’d have another BMW for my third car – one of those ‘classics’, an 850CSi. I test-drove one at 19 but couldn’t buy it because my client was assassinated. It’s a long story and I’ll save that one for another day.

There may be one in your dream garage but you've never owned an Alfa. You’re not a proper petrolhead then?

At the risk of getting all defensive, this Top Gear thing is important, it’s incredibly exciting but as with my potential Alfa ownership, my family has been even more important. The first Alfa I really wanted was a GTV, around the same time I wanted a Fiat Coupé. I couldn’t afford either at the time so bought a Fiat Bravo instead because I loved the back lights and the tape deck cover. Seriously. I nearly bought a 147 for my wife, but we bought the first new generation MINI instead and never regretted that (she’s on her fourth now). By the time I could afford a Brera I had 2 kids with legs, so that wasn’t an option. I still wanted a 159 but bought a BMW instead as it was faster and pretty much guaranteed the whole A to B thing. There’s still an Alfa Romeo 8C Coupé on my wish list, and that Giulia Quadrifoglio.

First automotive pin up?

In the seventies I had a painting of an Escort MEXICO rally car on my bedroom wall. My dad had a white 2 door Escort estate as a company car and it was the closest we got to motor racing in those early years, with the shopping bouncing around in the boot.

First car driven?

Does a Sinclair C5 count? I loved that little plastic-bodied thing, with handlebars under your knees and bugs-in-your-teeth motoring.

First car owned. It can’t be a C5.

Ironically, I actually owned a Citroën C5 a few years a go (and an amazing C6), but that wasn’t as much fun as the Sinclair version. My first car was a Ford Fiesta MkI, in ‘almost British Racing Green’ with a brown vinyl roof. I thought it would be a great idea to paint the speedo needle red, to offset the actual lack of speed. I hadn’t accounted for the fact it then wouldn’t show up at night so I had to guess which numbers were being covered up, rather than pointed to. I also fitted a bucket seat, but only fixed the front so it hinged forward to let rear seat passengers in. Unfortunately, it also hinged forwards at every junction – with me sitting in it. It was eventually stolen (whole whole car, not just the seat) but joyriders lost control on a roundabout, ploughed through a fence into a pond. It was back on the road in a week. Crumple zones really weren’t high on the priority list back then.

If you got the Top Gear gig, this wouldn’t be your first visit to the studio would it?

Hah, no. We tested the ‘Lexus Symphony Orchestra’ on the Dunsfold set – an orchestra of cars using nothing but their powerful stereos to recreate unique compositions we’d recorded at Abbey Road. See, I told you the stuff I did at work was relevant.

In your TED talk last year, you said “I’d rather apologise for something awesome than ask permission for something lame”. Does that rule apply here?

Yes, more than ever. I think it’s been the Top Gear philosophy since its reinvention in 2002, although I’m not sure it helped Jeremy in the end. I really hope the spirit and irreverence of the show is retained as it genuinely reflects the audience, rather than an idea of how that audience should behave. If the aim is to pursue new viewers, there’s a very real risk of losing the existing ones (and that’s a huge global audience) but I’d love the challenge, especially when I can bring an extra helping of design and technology to the Top Gear table. That’s two things increasingly relevant to the next generation of car fans.

On that bombshell… no wait, we’re gonna need a new catchphrase.

Many thanks to Barons BMW, Farnborough for the M4 convertible. You know I'll be back.

Goodwood 2015: Top gear and Top Gear

I say this every year but Goodwood Festival of Speed is the greatest motor show on earth. I stand by that and 2015 was no exception. If anything, Lord March raised the bar even higher, with faster, noisier and shinier metalwork on display than ever before.

I could list the brands, quote the celebrities, highlight the attractions but this is an audio visual extravaganza so what better way to illustrate this than the content my social feeds. I unleashed them all this year, from Twitter, Instagram and Vine to Periscope and Meerkat.

Mazda may have taken centre stage with this year’s Gerry Judah-designed sculpture on Lord March’s front lawn but for me there was another motor show encircling the event, pacing around in the shadows and threatening to derail my usual Goodwood visit. The show is question? Top Gear.

I can’t imagine the change of leadership at the flagship BBC show escaped the attention of many around the world (especially us petrol heads) but fewer are probably aware of the search for the final presenter line up. Chris Evens has thrown down the gauntlet to those with the passion, knowledge and drive (excuse the pun) to take up the second and third seats in this motoring behemoth.

This time last week, I was stood on a balcony outside a restaurant in Warsaw, with a dodgy mobile connection, no notes or timer, making a 30 second audition for the show on BBC 5 Live. The traffic providing the background noise should have been atmospheric. It wasn’t.

As you can probably tell, it didn’t quite go to plan thanks to the less-than-ideal circumstances and the fact the actual audition is meant to be a video. This aside, the professional speaking coach on the show thought I was too much of a geek, with no personality. Those who know me will probably agree with the geek analogy, however the personalty comment didn’t sit well with me. I make damn sure to put my heart and sole (and personality) into everything I do – especially when presenting so I’m not taking this one lying down.

30 seconds isn't long enough to tell the full story, such as my MG Montego talking car review at the age of 14, Sinclair C5 racing, an ownership history including a Citroën C6, Fiat Bravo and a Fiesta MkI (and the fast ones) and combining design, tech and vehicles at Brandwidth with a life-size holographic Toyota, a Lexus orchestra of cars (in the Top Gear studio), the first Apple Watch app for Porsche and a virtual reality X-Wing fighter! I even painted Tiff Needell's portrait – but that's another story. Fancy some more of this on Top Gear?

Here’s the video.

I’ll be a petrolhead until I die but to be honest, that includes vehicles of all forms of propulsion. Feast your eyes on the Festival of Fun…