Rebel With A Cause: THE Conversation

I have a story to tell, about being a Rebel With A Cause. But when it’s a story of space exploration, time travel and magic and art and immersion, I was never going to take a conventional approach. I’d love you to experience it.

Some of the greatest conversations I’ve had with Monty Munford have occurred around a dining table, over drinks at the Century Club, or in the back of a cab. Monty has lived a life of adventure and ridden the tech rollercoaster. As a straight-talking industry leader, risk-taker and Gamepay CSO, he’s more used to interviewing Steve Wozniak, John McAfee or Kim Kardashian, but we sat down to talk freely about design, tech and innovation, the people that matter and the direction it’s all taking. We’d love you to join us.

As we talked about the past and present, conversation naturally turned to our virtual future. We want evergreen content to live on in the Metaverse – it’s why Matt Littler of Analog Films shot all three episodes in VR, so we could offer the experience of sitting with Monty and myself, not simply watching from behind a screen.

The stereoscopic 3D footage was all shot on an Insta360 Pro II camera, with ambisonic spacial sound, surrounded by the visual feast of Bittescombe Lodge in the heart of the English countryside. This luxury location offers an incredible mix of traditional and contemporary design, reflecting the nature of our conversation and my roles as President Elect of the Chartered Society of Designers, Artist, Adviser, Mentor and Ambassador for numerous startups and creative organisations.

I make the point in our conversation that many new forms of technology don’t replace those already in existence – they compliment and extend the experience, rather than make any one platform obsolete. So naturally, this series exists in a conventional video format too, as well as the written words below.

Each platform offers its own unique content, so I hope you’ll enjoy the jetpack moments expressed on each.

Speed Up For Traffic Lights

Episode 1: The Present

We all have words to live by, even if most aren’t aware of the exact phrase that gets us out of bed in the morning, we’re acutely aware of a war cry to get shit done, or die trying.

I’ve always had a fascination with time, be that the potential to travel – physically or virtually – backwards to relive, alter or learn from our past or head to the future for a glimpse of our destiny or alternate realities existing in parallel to our own.

This in turn has given me an appreciation for just now precious time is. In the words of Louis Armstrong “we have all the time in the world” – yes, but we still wish for more or discard what we already have.

How often have you found yourself behind someone approaching traffic lights and they begin to slow down, anticipating a red when they’re still on green? This defines the character of a driver expecting the worst outcome, it’s a negative mindset.

And this is exactly why I hit the accelerator when I approach a green light, pre-empting the positive and effectively engaging my own time machine. Imagine how many precious minutes each year are gained from not sitting at a red light. Time gained, pulse raised and positivity reward unlocked (almost) every time.

Those life-affirming words can be distilled into the phrase “Speed up For Traffic lights: Bank on Green Not Red”.

My mindset isn’t something developed from a group of inspirational business leaders and entrepreneurs. No, my Dad instilled the ‘Power of Positive Thinking’ in me – his very own words to live by.

Sadly, we lost Dad to COVID in 2021, just 5 months before his 90th birthday. But those words live on as the inspiration for mine.

Episode 2: The Past

One of the most disappointing things in life is knowing when an opportunity has been missed. When connections fail to meet. When a message falls on deaf ears.

I would rather apologise for something awesome than ask permission for something lame – that’s been my attitude throughout my first 50 years. Never settling for average when exceptional is achievable.

So, for me it’s always been about telling the right story in the right place at the right time. If any of those three key ingredients are missing, it all falls down. It’s no use if your timing is perfect if you don’t have the right thing to talk about or the words, images or experience fail to materialise.

I believe in magic. Not Harry Potter, but the application of science to deliver the unbelievable. The unexpected creates impact, impact makes people sit up and take notice, and once you have their attention, you need to deliver on the promise.

Magic without substance is just vapour. It’s why I appear on stage shooting fireballs – but they serve to illustrate the challenge for contemporary marketing. Offering an audience a glimpse of IronMan’s inventory – be that full-body haptics, bionic shoes or the infamous flame-throwing – they all form part of a narrative and demonstrate technological collaboration. They also break with the expected structure of a keynote, disrupting ‘the feed’ and stopping an audience in their tracks.

It’s easy to form an opinion based on someone else’s opinion. That’s why global conference stages are full of people that Google their topic and deliver the search results via Powerpoint. I’m proud to be able to put my money where my mouth is and say “I’ve been there and done that”, giving weight to my opinion – even when my advice is to learn by my mistakes and follow a different path.

This attitude helped me deliver the first iPad app and Apple Watch apps on the days those products launched, create one of the first multitouch iBooks, spend 48 hours in Virtual Reality, work end-to-end with mobility brands (inside and outside the vehicle) and paint portraits of Michael Douglas, Anthony Hopkins and Chris Eubank, then getting under the skin of NFT art – as an artist! I’ve been honoured to work with legends of the music industry, motorsport heroes, stars of the silver screen and help relaunch the Star Wars franchise.

If you don’t know it can’t be done, you just find a way to do it. Like when people find super strength to lift burning cars, we all have our own superpowers.

There’s so much more that sits under NDA for now, but I’ve also been taken at gunpoint in Beirut, smuggled into Bosnia in the boot of a car, had security remove me whilst dressed as Captain America, nearly filmed one Presidential inauguration in VR and lost another Presidential client following their assassination! But that’s for another day…

Episode 3: The Future

As an Artist, Designer, Technologist and Innovator, I’m more excited about the prospect of designing the future than ever before. The tools we have at our disposal are undoubtedly powerful, but humans tend to switch off from the technological white noise. When brands like FaceBook (now Meta) don’t simply talk about Virtual Reality – they also offer it AND paint a picture of their view for its future, consumers sit up and finally take notice.

Although I’ve been deeply involved with the Metaverse for the past decade, it’s a tough sell when you’re flogging a dream without an audience. For Virtual and Augmented reality to succeed, these technologies have to provide escapism AND familiarity. The experiences must be top-shelf and immediately accessible.

However, the most important area of focus for the Metaverse – and any new technology – isn’t a digital environment, it’s the physical world around us.

We all return to reality so we need a reason to plug ourselves in to begin with and inspiration to achieve more when we return. My 48 hour VR immersion in 2017 made me appreciate reality far more than the virtual because we haven’t laid the foundations for the Metaverse yet, let alone started building the dream.

Look up. From your desk, from your screen, from your device, from your LIFE. It’s the equivalent to an artist taking a step back from their work and gaining perspective.

So, I ask you… are you a Meta Offsetter? For every virtual idea you have, think of another in the real world. It’s like planting a tree for carbon neutrality, but one reality doesn’t defeat the other. Instead they co-exist, with each platform adding value rather than forcing a choice or making something obsolete.

We all need to take a breath, it’s a process I’ve always valued. That moment of peace, allowing us to reset mentally and physically and return stronger and more focused than ever.

I haven’t had that since my Dad died on February 5th 2021. Since I held his hand and said goodbye with the promise that I’d make the next 12 months mean something.

So here I am on 22 / 02 / 2022. Ready to write the NEXT chapter.

A Brief Discovery of Time Travel: Dean Johnson and Monty Munford IN the Metaverse

Immerse yourself in the full VR experience via your headset of choice or 360º on-screen exploration as Monty and Dean take a deep dive into the potential for The Metaverse.

[For best results, open in the YouTube app on your preferred platform]

Future Narrative: No Joking Matter

The book is dead, long live the book! The film is dead, long live the film! Attention span is dead, long live social! I could go on, but no genre would be dead and no new platform is without its merits.

I watched the movie ‘Joker’ at the cinema last month. Yes, the cinema. Another one of those outdated platforms that apparently no one considers any more. The two dimensional film, shown in a darkened room with zero distraction or interaction was a masterpiece of storytelling. I respected the creative content – written and directed by Todd Phillips, memorably performed by the film’s sole lead – Joaquin Phoenix, and there was no denying the impact of the powerful cinematography and the dark oppressive soundtrack. But I didn’t really enjoy it.

And that’s my choice, it’s everyone’s choice. I love the beauty of narrative, the long winding journey it can take each and every one of us on. No matter how a film, TV series, book or play is presented, they are open to personal interpretation and what you as an individual take away from them – like art, because that’s what they are. A living, breathing art form.

Some have said Joker is not a superhero movie. I beg to differ, because it features Batman’s nemesis – The Joker – and Batman himself, albeit in the pre-superhero guise of a young Bruce Wayne. Many have insisted the film is about mental health. Yes, it tackles this issue by default because the central character is deeply psychologically disturbed – but he’s hardly the poster boy for mental health awareness. Unless everyone currently jumping on this particular bandwagon is suggesting individuals with ‘issues’ end up like Arthur Fleck – a delusional gun-toting, knife-wielding homicidal maniac?

If cinema isn’t broken, how do we approach future narrative? In 2018 the global box office was worth over $40 Billion and has increased year-on-year for over a decade. It shows no signs of stalling, with ‘Avengers: Endgame’ taking $2.8 billion in cinemas – a new all-time high. Is ‘Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker’ set to round off the decade with the highest earnings ever?

This leaves future platforms with a tough fight on their hands when trying to convince marketing teams to invest their money in untried and untested technology. When you include home entertainment revenue, the global film industry is worth an additional $100 billion, so audiences are spending a lot of money viewing content on other devices too.

This figure naturally features TV sets, smartphones and tablets. For future audiences this will undoubtedly include VR headsets, AR glasses and autonomous vehicles.

The thinking behind the latter is illustrated by Renault’s 2017 acquisition of a 40% stake in the Pedriel Group, the publishing house that produces the weekly business magazine ‘Challenges’. They clearly recognise the future potential for published content within self-driven mobility. If we’re not absorbing written or audio material, the car interior will offer a multitude of digital surfaces to begin, continue or conclude the narrative of film and TV viewing. Are you all ready to Netflix and chill as your car makes all the decisions for you?

However, future platforms aren’t simply there to provide the same type of material but on a different device. They will inevitably offer this, but where they excel is in adding value. In its simplest terms, a smartphone can provide second screen conversation – leveraged by shows such as BBC’s ‘The Apprentice’ or ITV’s ‘Love Island’ and ‘I’m A Celebrity’ across social channels to drive conversation and generate further awareness and reach.

Others championing new storytelling are Nesta with their ‘Alternarratives’ challenge and Ford’s Developer Programme, looking to innovate the future of the car with ‘Music That Moves You’ in partnership with Capitol Records – leading to some amazing potential for storytelling around music artists and genres.

Many Futurologists or Tech Pundits will talk the talk without ever having walked the walk. I have been fortunate to push boundaries my whole career and with some amazing clients including Warner Music Group, Disney, Apple, BBC, Scientific American, Smithsonian Enterprises, Renault, Pottermore, Guinness World Records and Mark Staufer’s ‘The Numinous Place’. Together we have explored some of the possibilities for future narrative. There are many more to come.

All new forms of digital and physical storytelling should be explored as we don’t yet know where they will lead us. The impact of horror in a VR headset. The ability to bring elements of a story to life seemingly in the world around us through AR. To use Artificial Intelligence to extend and personalise narrative. All have enormous potential for a diverse cross-section of audiences, but they don’t offer replacements, they provide depth, understanding and new creative challenges.

I’ve said many times before, if the opinion that all narrative evolves into something else held water, this would have left books, radio and theatre dead long ago. They’re far from that. In a world of digital depth and diversity – they’re actually flourishing because they bring the focus back to great storytelling.

Without that story and an engaging narrative we would live in a world of meaningless words swirling past us in a fleeting moment, we have Facebook for that.

Despite what you may have been told, the future of narrative isn’t about the technology that surrounds us, it is about the thing right at the centre of everything – the human. If you never lose that focus, you’ll never lose your audience.

#CES2016: The Year of VR. Again

In 2015, CES headlines were all about ‘The Year of Virtual Reality’ with many of the big (and small) names turning up to the annual Vegas tech pilgrimage touting consumer-ready VR headsets. Only Samsung delivered on the promise, so what happened to the rest?

Oculus held a press conference just before G3 to reveal their final Rift, Sony changed the name of their Morpheus headset to Playstation VR (or PSVR) and HTC postponed their 2015 Vive launch because they’d made a ‘major’ breakthrough. Good on HTC for holding on for a better product, because it’s well worth the wait, the Vive Pre is stunning. The Void broke ground on their first VR theme park in Utah and it’s mightily impressive, but won’t open until later this year.

I’ll also have my hands and eyes on the latest Sulon Cortex this week – but more on that when I’m allowed to tell you…

So here we are again with the usual question being asked “what’s big at CES?” Thanks to the Rift pre-order floodgates opening today, Oculus has ensured It’s VR. Again.

CES has also brought us a raft of 360º cameras (although not all ‘proper’ stereoscopic VR) including the Vuse, the Allie, Nikon’s new KeyMission 360 and Samsung’s Project Beyond. Again.

If we ever have a conversation about Virtual Reality, you’ll soon discover my views cover the extremes and there’s no fence-sitting. I love and will enthuse about the platform’s incredible potential yet have a rather negative view of some of the industry leaders, because some aren’t leading in the right direction and many aren’t pushing hard enough.

Having produced 360º videos for years doesn’t make you a marketing expert. Building great games doesn’t mean you’ll produce stunning VR experiences. The new frontier of VR studio production requires a diverse skill set and a unique understanding of how your audience will view and react to your content, not just how they’ll discover it.

If you stumble upon anyone carving themselves out a career as a VR movie mogul and they’re telling you THE future of film is VR, they’re doing more harm than good. It’s A future and a damn exciting one but claiming all films will one day be viewed in a VR headset with full 360º immersion is naive at best, chronically damaging at worst.

Think of all the movie classics that just don’t need enhancement. They’ve been brilliantly acted, superbly scripted and skilfully edited and that requirement should never go away because the film industry is a wonderful machine. Full VR would not only be cost-prohibitive but damaging to the backbone of the industry – focused storytelling.

No, I haven’t gone all retro on you, I’m not rebelling against the new Virtual world. We need to add value to really make the good stuff great. If everything is VR then it becomes white noise and loses its impact, much the same as the misplaced marketing prerogative of turning every website into an app – that just gives fuel to those that still think the app is dead.

VR is at its most powerful when pushing boundaries, offering the chance to experience the unexperienceable (that’s a word, right?)

Take the storming of Omaha beach in Saving Private Ryan, the Jakku Millennium Falcon chase from The Force Awakens or the thick of the boxing action in Southpaw, Raging Bull or Rocky 27. VR will live or die on its financial relevance to studios. It’s unrealistic to shoot an entire blockbuster but a D-Day beach scene or a single round of boxing become invaluable marketing tools for a cinematic release and an essential added extra for the digital home download. Add episodic storytelling then suddenly you’ve tapped into the micro-payment and subscription models contemporary audiences are comfortable with.

In the same way that we went through a phase with visionary publishers claiming all future books would be interactive, we’re already facing the same issue with VR. Yes, some books obviously benefit from the bells and whistles (Brandwidth’s Doctor Who Encyclopaedia and The Doors apps or our Maleficent and Saving Mr Banks iBooks are perfect examples) but for many, the reading experience needs to be just that – words and images, digested in much the same way they always were, for the same cost. But certain properties deserve more. I received an email last week via the CES Press Portal claiming the ‘real’ sex industry will always be better than ‘holographic 3D porn and teledildonics’. That may well be true, but the VR porn industry will still be huge!

To say VR is the headline act at CES is a little misleading, there’s AR too. Augmented Reality has the potential to hit an even larger demographic than the Virtual variety, simply because the audience doesn’t need to shut itself off from the outside world. The main reason I’m more excited about VR is we’ve had AR on our phones and tablets for years – even desktop PCs and laptops equipped with a camera have been able to display augmented content.

New headsets such as Microsoft’s Hololens have reignited the augmented conversation (and investment frenzy) and Google’s second attempt at Glass appears to be just around the corner, even though this isn’t actually AR but an info overlay within a single screen. Impressive tech nonetheless, but not what we’re talking about here.

If you’re losing patience waiting for the new hardware to turn up and you want to see AR 2.0 in action, grab an ODG headset – it works and has had years of development time and budget. If it’s good enough for NASA and the US ‘three letter agencies’, then it’s certainly robust enough for consumers.

2015 may not have delivered VR and AR as promised, but the potential for 2016 has never looked more real.

Top Gear (Auto Reply Message)

I’ve been messing around with Top Gear for as long as I can remember. Now, the Top Gear Audition process seems to have lasted almost as long. To make the wait more bearable, I have been emailing the BBC. The responses have ranged from the standard ‘Auto Reply Message’ to… the standard ‘Auto Reply Message’. Here’s my descent into irreverence.

My reasons behind applying can be found here but I’ll be updating this post as I send other emails, unless the authorities or Chris Evans put a stop to it.

28th June 2015

Hello Top Gear

This time last week, I was broadcasting on BBC 5 Live from a balcony outside a restaurant in Poland. I'd been asked to appear on the 5 Live Hotlist with Emma Barnett as 'Top Gear Auditions' was one of the top 40 news items of the week and I'd Tweeted my intent to apply.

I had no notes or a timer and the traffic providing the background noise should have been atmospheric. It wasn’t. So here I am with the real thing.

Chris is an extraordinary ambassador for the petrol head, with a unique broadcasting opportunity to not only tell us what it's like to salivate over some of the most exotic automotive metalwork in the world but also to own it.

Knowing that Top Gear faces the unprecedented challenge of reinventing itself, but also the tough questions about just how much to keep of a hugely successful format, I believe (as a viewer) I'd like someone on the show that experiences the entire car business through the starry eyes of a child, with a track record in design and technology for the automotive industry plus some usefully entertaining presentation experience. That's me. I’d watch.

Many thanks

Dean

17th July 2015

Hello again Top Gear

Although I received an acknowledgement of receipt when I sent my Top Gear Audition email last month, as it was only a response to the email rather than the entry… I wanted to double-check I’m in.

By ‘in’, I don’t mean ‘in the show’, just ‘in the massive heap of applicants’.

I’m worried that perhaps I haven’t stood next to enough Top Gear/motoring celebrities and posted the photos on Twitter. I haven’t sought the backing of my local Tupperware party planner, Dacia dealer or an uncle that once owned a replica MG Montego with a door dink from a car park incident with Chris Evans.

This is enough to lose sleep over. Not so much that it’s of medical concern so I won’t be suing the BBC. I know you’re under pressure to account for every penny now the government is looking into EVERYTHING. Have you thought about offering the Top Gear job to an MP? Two birds with one stone and all that.

No, wait. I’m not an MP. Forget that.

Anyway, I’m not expecting a response to this as you’ve probably lost the will to live since this audition process/email started.

Thanks.

Dean

28th July 2015

At the risk of Top Gear Audition email overkill, I’m back again. I’ll keep it brief. Honest.

I thought I’d send one last link to an article I’ve written about my pain, suffering and monumental (emphasis on mental) levels of commitment to the Top Gear Auditions. At the very least, it adds some useful depth to my audition video http://bit.ly/1Lx5lXC

I also spent time in a tent in Chris’ garden last week. I’m expecting the restraining order to come through any day now.

Thanks as always, for the fun one-sided conversation.

Dean

6th August 2015

Hello again. Again

I haven’t received one of your Auto Reply Messages for a while and was missing your dulcet digital tones.

Don’t worry, I won’t keep you. If you’ve read any of my previous emails (and I won’t blame you if you haven’t, but I may stand outside your window throwing gravel to attract your attention) this one also relates to my entry for the Top Gear Auditions.

I feel there should be a fanfare each time ‘Top Gear Auditions’ is read so please feel free to make the noise in your own heads, or out loud if you’re feeling really lively or just excited about the weekend.

Anyway, just checking what happens next? No, not the bit where you delete my email but in the audition process. Is there a ‘next bit’? Let me know, just for old time’s sake as we’ve had such riveting email conversations so far.

Oh, and if you can be bothered, I wrote this about the process and why you'd all be mental not to chose me. By ‘mental’ I’m obviously not ridiculing anyone with an actual psychological disorder, just slightly disturbed. In a good way. I’ll get my coat*

*straight jacket.

Here it is (my article, not my coat) bit.ly/1Lx5lXC 

Thanks again. Looking forward to my Auto Reply Message already (smiley face)

Dean

10th August 2015

Hey you, hope you had a great car-filled/fuelled weekend! Smiley face, winky face, petrolhead face.

As another Monday arrives on the quest to find the Top Gear presenter line up, I just thought I'd continue our conversation. I know that technically we both need to be speaking for it to be a conversation, but let’s work on the premise that you nod sagely at the relevant points in the narrative.

I’ve noticed that some of the presenter hopefuls have stopped shouting into the empty void know as Twitter in the past week. From people that stand next to cars, stand next to drivers, haven’t got a license or need a restraining order, they’ve all calmed down. I appreciate I may fall into the last category by now. Can you get an email restraining order? Probably.

Have they had some news? Have they been told to “go play with the traffic”? Have you employed them all?

As the original application was a little light on detail (to say the least), merely asking for us to email a very basic 30 sec video seems a little one-sided. I’d love to plan ahead – for better or worse – but I’m still not even sure my video went into the system, let alone received a 30 second viewing. I had the standard Auto Reply Message (and believe me, I look forward to receiving one each time we speak, like a puppy with its nose pressed against the window, waiting for its master to return from the pub), but I’m not sure if the attachment was viewable by the time it reached you.

Anyway, as much fun as the whole process is, it would be great to hear something. Anything. Even if it’s just to say when we might hear something meaningful.

Oh, and I’d still like the job please.

Happy to perform with children and animals if required.

I’m not a big fan of children, unless they’re my own.

I don’t really like animals either.

Thanks for the chat.

Dean

12th August 2015

Hello Top Gear you sexy beast.

No, I’m not drunk (this time), it’s just nice to shake things up a bit in our special relationship. We don’t want things getting stale, or repetitious, or repetitious.

I thought you might be interested to know I was testing the nuts off an AMG GTS and a C63 S at the weekend, snapping knicker elastic at 50 paces and making a go cart out of old washing machines and banana crates. To be honest, I was only playing with the cars, but I could just as easily have been abusing knickers and white goods and, boooom… that’s Top Gear right there.

Old Top Gear anyway. The new one has less underwear and more ginger hair. And me? We may have slipped into a classic scene from Working Girl now so I’ll leave it here.

One final thing, I’ll be at Chris’s pub (again) tomorrow night because the live music and company is superb. You should go, it’s brilliant. I was there a few weeks ago (the only Top Gear Auditions candidate who made the effort) and even spent time in a tent in Chris’s garden. He knew about this. I wasn’t stalking. Honest.

If I’d simply applied for the job but not made the effort above and beyond, then still not made it to the end, I’d always wonder if I could have done more.

It’s not stalking, it’s research. That’s probably what a stalker would say isn’t it.

The first rule of Stalk Club is: You do not talk about Stalk Club.

Oh…

Worst stalker ever.

Speak soon. Missing you already!

Dean

14th August 2015

It’s that time again! No, not 3:21pm on a Friday, well it is but that’s not what I mean. I mean it’s Dean’s email time again!

Just a quick one as I know you’re busy. It must take ages to personally type all those ‘Auto Reply Message’ emails so I won’t keep you.

I thought I’d better let you know that I’ve blocked out most of my weekend to sit staring at my computer (or the really small computer in my pocket) so I don’t miss your ‘You’re the new Top Gear Presenter’ message when it arrives. I’m sure you’ll need me to turn up at Dunsfold some time on Sunday with my big book of car facts, a cardboard cut out of Chris and my rubber pants.

Don’t worry, I’ll be there.

Actually, worry.

See you Sunday!

Dean

16th August 2015

OK, It’s Sunday and I’m here, waiting outside the gates to the Top Gear Test track as agreed*

*Definition of ‘agreed’ may not stand up in a court of law.

Hopefully you’ll respond to this email pretty quickly and come on over to security as Barry won’t let me in. Actually it might be Larry (I’m not good with names) or Mary, but if it’s Mary then she’s got a disturbingly hairy face for a woman.

As mentioned, I have my big book of car facts with me. Also, the cardboard cutout of Chris is in my passenger seat so the speed camera photo snapped on the way here will be fun. I’m also wearing the rubber pants, but on the outside of my trousers. This may be contributing to the reason Barry/Larry/Mary won’t let me in.

When I bumped into Chris (the real one, not the cardboard version) on Friday night, he didn’t mention when I’d be starting filming for the show. A mere oversight I’m sure so looking forward to today’s production meeting to confirm this.

In case this email has dropped into junk, I’ll give you another 10 mins to reply then I’ll start shouting really loudly over the fence. Not sure how Barry/Larry/Mary will take that, but we’ll play it by ear.

See you soon!

Dean

18th August 2015

Dear Top Gear

I have to say, I’m not impressed with the time it took to let me into the studio on Sunday. I shouted myself hoarse before anyone turned up to convince Barry/Larry/Mary to open the gate.

I’m not proud, but I was so hungry by the time a Producer came to the security booth I took a swing at him. Don’t worry though, all’s well that ends well as I missed and caught Barry/Larry/Mary square in the kisser. It tuns out your security guard is a Mary after all, and quite likes the rough stuff. Each to their own.

Now, I’m not sure how this affects my chances in the Top Gear Auditions. This all started such a long time ago, I can’t remember if one of the criteria was for applicants to demonstrate unarmed combat with hirsute women.

Please let me know if this incident has had an adverse effect on my fast-tracked route to the final selection as I believe this kind of behaviour is looked upon favourably over at Amazon, where there may still be an opening.

Your special friend

Dean

20th August 2015

Hello TG

I started talking to my car radio this morning. I’m sure this is perfectly normal behaviour as everyone does it. Everyone.

Chris was on his Radio 2 Breakfast Show and I threw in a few witty comments, remarks about the weather and interesting facts about cars in the gaps when Mr E took a breath.

I’m not sure if this is the correct channel to complain, but Chris didn’t respond with a Top Gear (Auto Reply Message). This just isn’t on. You lot have always made time to personally type each Auto Reply Message and I really appreciate this. It’s the very reason for our conversations and I look forward to the next one.

When I’m Director General, I shall remind Chris of this oversight. That doesn’t mean I’ve given up on the Top Gear Presenter role, I’m just planning ahead as there comes a time when we all need to step down from the BBC’s flagship motoring programme.

Oh, and in a rather meta development, I’m publishing our delightful email exchanges on my blog ( bit.ly/1HQ2ZgC ) so we can both keep track of the audition process.

Mary the security guard (or Scary Hairy Mary as she prefers) sends her best. Although, to be honest, I’m not sure Mary’s best is the award-winning standard we’ll be looking for on Top Gear. Unless success is measured in facial hair, then we’re onto a winner!

Your faithful email companion.

DJ

26th August 2015

Hello you, did you miss me?

By ‘miss me’, I’m obviously referring to the time you threw that computer keyboard out of your window at New Broadcasting House because I was standing outside. Just staring. Dark piercing eyes, looking into your very soul. Reaching down deep inside, trying to extract the very essence of a meaningful Auto Reply Message.

I can understand why you threw the keyboard.

Anyhoo, I wanted to ask where I should send the receipts I’ve been collecting for my ‘location expenses’. I was at the Donington Park Formula E test session yesterday, will be researching augmented reality and virtual reality for the automotive Industry in California and Utah in a couple weeks, then at the Frankfurt Motor Show after that. I’m sure all your other Top Gear Auditions applicants will be putting in the same level of effort. And receipts?

Actually, as the above is all part of my job (changing the face of automotive and all that), I’m guessing I’ll be picking up the tab for now. When you decide it could all have been used on the next series of Top Gear, let me know and I’ll put in a BBC claim instead.

Oh, and regarding the ‘stalking’. I’m outside your window again, in the wet and windy Broadcasting House concourse with the Dirty Dozen. Chris will know what this is (it’s not a new reality TV show about hookers - although it could be if the Top Gear thing doesn’t work out?)

Until next we Auto Reply Message together.

Dean

30th August 2015

Hi TG

Following questions from a few confused friends/followers/stalkers I just wanted to confirm the language I should be using when asked the question “So come on, are you the new Top Gear presenter?”

To date I’ve tried:

“You’ll have to wait for Chris to confirm that”

“Yes”

“A million percent yes” (in a Simon Cowell voice)

“Yes yes yes yes” (in a Meg Ryan voice)

“No”

“There’s a live selection process to be screened on primetime BBC1" (that’s a small ‘p’, not Amazon Prime. Obviously)

“I just have the final test to complete – naked mud-wrestling”

“Stop touching me, no means no. Yes"

“The dog ate my homework”

Please delete as applicable from the list above and return via an Auto reply Message.

Many thanks

Dean

2nd September 2015

Hey TG!

It’s hard to believe we've reached September already! How time flies when you’re having such a stimulating conversation, full of human interaction and nail-biting status updates.

It’s been an emotional journey (cue Elbow or Cold Play with shaky visuals of Simon Cowell staggering aimlessly to a golf cart backstage) since we reached the July 20th submission deadline.

July 20th.

Let’s just let that sink in.

July.

20th.

That’s 45 days.

Forty Five.

Forty.

Five.

One can only assume you’ve had at least 44 other 30 second videos to watch before reaching mine.

I’m also working on the assumption you’ve watched each one 2,400 times a day (basing this on my 20 hour working day).

I have my special anticipation face on and am looking forward to the Top Gear marching band tomorrow, with a written confirmation of my acceptance, hand delivered by Pamela Anderson on an elephant. I guess Pam has already received her email about the co-hosting job. If not, it’ll be a big surprise for her!

I’ll email next week with some suggestions for the new show. And my favourite sandwiches. And a photo of a boiled sweet covered with pocket fluff.

I’ve been working hard. You’ll love it.

Thanks!

Dean

6th September 2015

Hi TG

Naturally, I’m gutted. Pam called round on Thursday to deliver my ‘Congratulations, you’re on the show’ message. I was out!

The neighbours told me Pam made quite an impression in her bikini – especially as it was raining and the bin men were trying to squeeze past her elephant.

Unfortunately. it seems the elephant made an even bigger impression. It was a great idea (and much appreciated) but I’m not sure who’s legally responsible for the damage caused to the parked cars, an ice-cream van and my neighbour’s dog. Was your elephant fully comp?

Anyhoo, I promised some ideas for the show so I thought I’d send you the first couple…

- Stig of the Dump: The Reboot: The Stig has fallen on hard times (he didn’t get a cut of the Amazon money) so he’s now living in a council landfill near Croydon and bringing his track skills to the dump, whilst fending off seagulls, former News of the World reporters and used nappies.

- Car in a reasonably priced Star: Taking the original concept and turning it on its head, we challenge celebrities to hold model cars between their teeth whilst singing popular Ed Sheeran songs. We’ll corner the X Factor and Channel 5 eating disorder markets right there!

Right, I’m off to catch a plane. More BAFTA award-winning ideas to come.

DJ

13th September 2015

Dear Top Gear, I resign…

…from Top Gear.

After all the highs and lows, conviction (not criminal) and comedy, waiting 56 days for any communication from you lot proves one point: you don’t give a crap.

I’m not speaking as a disgruntled job applicant annoyed by a ‘you will only be contacted if you have been successful’ line it’s just that from the outset this process has been poorly organised and even more poorly supported. Nothing via email or any social networks. 

I have kept a one-sided conversation going for weeks, interviewed myself and camped in Chris Evans’ garden. Short of sleeping with The Stig, I’ve done just about everything I could have and I’m done.

If anyone's still in the race for a Top Gear presenter, good luck to them but I’m not prepared to devote any more time and energy to something that just makes me look desperate. And to be honest, I’m not keen to watch a show fronted by anyone that looks like their life depends on it. I’d love a team that’s enthusiastic about all aspects of motoring, yet appears fallible, has personality in spades and something interesting to say.

I’ve spent the last week working with companies across the world and we’ll shape the global future of the connected car, virtual reality entertainment and publishing. Forgive me if I’m wrong but you haven’t given me a reason to hang on your every word with a better offer.

Like I said, I’d love you to prove me wrong but it seems you don’t give a crap.

Thanks for all the Auto Reply Messages.

Dean

4th October 2015

The story's not quite over. Inspired by the launch of 'More Letters of Note' this week, I decided to read my Top Gear 'Emails of Note'. Here's the result...